Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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