new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
where are my eyebrows?
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