I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
