Apparently you make a good broom.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
