That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just blew my weed a kiss
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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