he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
