I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
