I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
