I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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