blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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