apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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