At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
