I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
