She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
