I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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