i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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