Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
