don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
