Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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