Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
