you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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