Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
