Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
