Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
