I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
