She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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