i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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