The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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