i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
