We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
