Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
