I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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