I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Randomize
