pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
