dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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