Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
