If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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