if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
