the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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