So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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