Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
