Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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