I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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