You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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