Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
