Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
