i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's never too late to be topless.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
