The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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