I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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