Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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