What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
