it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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