found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
