I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
