dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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