the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
