no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
