If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
