I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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