We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
